Revolutionary

My current occupation: ridding my life of excess clutter (yeah, I know that was redundant) and unnecessary items (and so was that).

What I’m realizing is that there is a lot of the stuff that I’ve held onto to keep from offending family, forgetting friends, or remembering how much money I’ve wasted on possessions. Moving in with Jess is forcing me to reevaluate what I really need, value, or have a use for. Those two George Foreman-type grills that Nano gave me on her Equip-My-Granddaughter’s-Kitchen-So-She-Will-Be-A-Good-Homemaker campaign of 2005 are now going to homes that will actually open them, as will the smoothie maker, the extra egg-slicer, and the metal spoon rest. I am getting rid of an 18” anorexic ballerina figurine my other Grandma mail-ordered as a centerpiece for my coffee table, all of the guitar supplies that I will never use since the instrument itself is gone, and every last bobby pin I find in the apartment that’s not in the bathroom.

Are you ready for the best part? I am throwing out all of the dating advice books I’ve held onto because they were gifts. I don’t care how many of my friends swore by it or how long it was at the top of some Christianity Today Bestseller List.

I am 24 years old and this is my public announcement: People, now is not the time to be worried about my biological clock. It is too soon for you to start setting me up on blind dates with childhood friends or continually remind me that “love is worth the wait.” Most importantly, I have no intention of reading or re-reading any of the following that have been on my shelf out of guilt for far too long now:

When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Approach to Guy/Girl Relationships

Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship

Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work

5 Paths to the Love of Your Life: Defining Your Dating Style

How to Get a Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating in Six Months or Your Money Back

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

and finally…

If I am waiting on God, then What am I Doing in a Christian Chat room: Confessions of a Do-It-Yourself Single

Classy, I know. The point is that they’re not me, and now they don’t belong to me!

Welcome to the Conquering the “I Can’ts” Revolution. Today’s mantra will be “I CAN rid myself of things that other people use to define me.”

Me and Peet

"I've come to a decision...Peet's is my new favorite spot."

Saying this, somehow, I felt like I was expressing one of those first-day-of-the-rest-of-my-life moments, but Jess just looked at me like, "Well, good for you, I think. I don't get it, but good for you."

With that one statement, what I was really trying to say was, "I love you and your desire to be a pseudo-hippie, but I need more calm in my life than your crazy coffee shop can provide. I need more peace than all the junior highers that hang out there could possibly possess. And, most of all, I need to feel myself think--even though nothing deep will reverberate back. In fact, I know nothing I think or write is particularly brilliant, and I'm willing to recognize that, even shout it from the rooftops with open arms lifted to the sky if necessary. Nevertheless, I'm apologizing for the fact that I think I know a little bit more of who I am today, and that person doesn't care for trashy couches, marijuana smoke, and people who sneeze and don't wash their hands. And I know that's not the person you think you know, so I'm sorry. Not that there aren't a million other things about me that won't change, but as much as I like places where everybody knows your name, I like establishments with a little order better. Does that make me a terrible person? Judgmental? Flaky, even? Anyway, thanks for listening, and I hope this doesn't change our relationship too much because I genuinely enjoy your company."

Why she needed to know any of that is still beyond my comprehension. We both knew that it didn't matter where I bought my coffee, why I cared to change venues, or whether there was fault to place, but I needed closure. Coffee closure.

I suppose this was all part of my new life mantra--Conquer the "I can'ts." You hear these little anecdotes about people who cut the word "can't" out of their dictionary or refuse to allow their children to say it. Well I don't utter the word much but I think it all the time. And it's the minuscule ideas that get shot down first.

Just like when I used to play Oregon Trails and the rabbits were easier for me to kill than the buffalo. I was the fourth grade class rabbit-hunting hero, but that's all I was good for. Nowadays my buffaloes are grandiose hopes like attending seminary and organizing a prayer sanctuary, while my rabbits are baby's breaths of dreams like sewing a T-shirt and finishing song lyrics.

When did this shift happen? The shift from knowing I was good at some things but still willing to conquer the world to reminding myself that I am only good at what I know. I'm only 23, for Peet's sake! That's right, Peet, you're going to have to live with me now too because I'm leaving the "I can'ts" behind--all the way down to my coffee shop preferences, whether you like it or not. So there!